One Screwed Up family
by DarkDemon
Summary: What if Ranma's Relatives were his most strongest and deadliest enemies. Let the chaos begin!
1. Prologue

Ranma-chan rubbed a bump on her head as she walked toward the Tendo Dojo. Uncute tomboy. She didn't have to hit me because I didn't eat her food As Ranma-chan entered through the gate his mother waited at the door of the house holding a kettle of hot water.  
  
"Ranma, some relatives are coming to visit us tomorrow" Nodoka smiled as she poured hot water on her son turned daughter.  
  
"Really? I didn't know we had other family" a now male Ranma replied then asked. "When will they be here?"  
  
"Tomorrow morning, now let us have dinner" Both of them walked into to Tendo home as the usual day goes by. In other words, pure chaos wrecking havoc to those who live in Nerima.  
  
The next morning...  
  
"RANMA NO BAKA!!"  
  
WHAM!!  
  
Ranma flew across town thanks to Akane-airlines and Mallet-sama. I hope my relatives didn't see that Ranma looked down to see he was losing altitude and heading toward five people that looked like they were about to fight in breakneck speed.   
  
"WATCH OUT!" Ranma became relieved to see the people move out of the way then he remembered his other problem.  
  
"OH SHIIII..."  
  
BOOOOM!!  
  
There on the pavement was a nice Ranma shaped hole. Ranma pried himself off the ground only to hear familiar and yet angry voices.  
  
"RANMA!"  
  
Ranma looked toward the five people he saw earlier and his blood turned cold. Standing there was Mint, Lime, Herb, Kima, and a still child Saffron.  
  
"You're dead!" all of them shouted as they lunged at Ranma only to be stopped by the sound of a katana sliding out of its scabbard.  
  
"It's not polite to attack family" Nodoka said calmly  
  
Herb, Saffron, and Ranma shouted loudly, pointing to each other.  
  
"You mean THEY'RE my RELATIVES!?!"  
"Yes" Nodoka glared at all of them as they followed back to the Tendo home with all them holding a dazed expressions  
  
  
  
Authors notes  
  
What the heck was wrong with me!? 


	2. Chapter 1

Three Weeks Later....  
  
After the announcement of the family members, the residence of the Tendo dojo stayed cautious from the visitors of China. Amazingly Ranma took the idea of Herb and Saffron being members of his family over a thousand years, getting used to the craziness in his life. Nodoka insisted that they would stay and the glare that Herb and Saffron received made them unable to refuse. Right now Herb was teaching Ranma new ki techniques while Saffron was looking though a few scrolls.  
  
"Come back here you perverts!" All three males looked up and went on with their business.  
  
In the back ground you can see Kima chasing Mint and Lime slashing with her sword and wearing only a towel. The first couple days were interesting, but now it was daily that Mint and Lime would try to peek at the girls in the furo.  
  
The Amazons were not getting any better either.  
  
Flashback...  
  
"So son-in-law, these two are part of your family?" Cologne was curious why Herb and Saffron was not attacking Ranma as they walked into the Nekohanton.  
  
"Yup" Ranma had an idea that being related to Herb and Saffron would have the Amazons get rid of the marriage laws and go away. Herb and Saffron agreed to Ranma that they would help. Herb and Saffron had a hard time getting used to the idea of being related and having an Amazon in the family would not make anything better. Fortunately for Ranma, Shampoo and Mousse was out making deliveries.  
  
"Well, that no problem. When you marry Shampoo, we can have the secrets of both the Musk and Phoenix" All three men started to get nervous.  
  
"And I think I know suitable wives for them" Cologne pointed to both Herb and Saffron. All three men eye's bulged and had a huge dust trail leading through the entrance of the restaurant.  
  
End of Flashback...  
  
"Ranma I want you to try this!" Akane shouted from the kitchen. Ranma face went pale and started to run for the nearest exit. Herb and Saffron watched the pigtailed boy's antics with interest. Unfortunately Ranma didn't reach the door quick enough and Akane stuffed a plate of greenish glowing goo down his throat. Both men eyes widen when Ranma's face went pale white and crawling away from his tormentor. Then Saffron and Herb leaped to Ranma side asking if he was alright, not that they really cared but it does if Nodoka was angry at them for this. Akane fumed as she heard "poison","unfemine".  
  
"YOU BAKAS" Akane whipped out her mallet and with a single swing, she sent all three into LEO, but not without adding their insults as they flew.  
  
"Uncute Tomboy!" Ranma was flying.  
  
"Despicable Witch!" Saffron came next.  
  
"She devil!" Herb last in line.  
  
They flew over Nerima and into the Juuban district. Herb and Saffron stopped in midair as they were about to crash into a fountain. Ranma however crashed into the concrete face first and fell into the water. Herb and Saffron big sweated as Ranma-chan crawled out of the pool. Both flying men thought one thing. We got to teach him to fly Then another thought struck them. How did he survive this long with that girl?  
  
That Night, Tendo Household...  
  
"I think it's because he's part Phoenix!"  
  
"I say it's because he's part Dragon!"  
  
Saffron and Herb glared at each other. It was late at night and they were arguing how Ranma had survived the year with that Tendo girl.  
  
"Phoenix!"  
  
"Dragon!"  
  
"Both of you shut up! I going to cook breakfast tomorrow!" Both Saffron and Herb looked up in time to see Akane slammed the door. Both of them shuddered when they remembered her making them breakfast. It actually crawled off their plates. Ranma warned them, but nooo.... they had to be polite and paid for it.  
  
"Anything wrong?"  
  
Both of the men looked to see Nodoka, clearly she lacked sleep and her usual cool exterior. Both men were scared spitless.  
  
"We were trying to figure out what bloodline Ranma belongs to" Saffron gulped.  
  
Nodoka eyed both of them. She didn't like the idea that they were arguing all night. Overall she had the right to be absolutely pissed.  
  
"Both of you get your sleep and settle this in the morning"  
  
She was visibly straining not to burst in rage. She smiled when both men nodded nervously.  
  
  
  
Early in the Morning, Tendo Dojo....  
  
Thrust.......  
  
Kick..........  
  
Open palm strike.......  
  
Roundhouse.......  
  
Ranma, blind folded, concentrated on the kata and gracefully made several punches and kicks at his imaginary opponents. Ranma's aura of confidence shown brightly in the darkened walls of the dojo. Slowly Ranma pick up speed and his aura glowed brighter. Ranma had woken up early because of the thoughts running throughout his mind. He sighed as he made another side sweep. Were the gods toying with his life? Where was his life going? Is being a martial artiest everything? Damn, too many questions without answers He didn't even hear Kima opening the door.  
  
Kima opened the door only to be blinded by a dark blue light. Once her eyes were used to the brilliance, she gasped at the sight before her. Ranma movements mesmerized her. The power emitted from Ranma was incredible, even her feathers on her wings can sense it. It was when she noticed Ranma's body. Fairly muscled, but not too bulky. She could also see the sweat that covered his bare chest. Now she would liked to see how he would do in bed and taste him for herself. She mentally kicked herself for having such a thought. What am I thinking?!" She blushed as she had rather intimating thoughts that would have Ranma running for the hills. She continued to watch him. Why am I feeling this way?  
  
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Authors Notes  
  
whew! Finally finish with this chapter. And yes this is a Ranma/Kima fic! 


	3. Chapter 2

"Aaaauuuggh!"  
  
Thud!  
  
"Ow!"  
  
Herb bigsweated. He had been trying to teach Ranma how to fly using his ki. Ranma partly succeeded by floating ten feet in the air. Unfortunately he was hanging upside down and lost his concentration. Suddenly the wall to the left of Herb suddenly exploded revealing a certain lost boy.  
  
Ryoga glanced at Herb and had one thought. What am I doing in China? I thought this was Japan. If Herb is here then it must be China Ryoga sighed and turned around walked away without noticing Ranma rubbing the sore lump on his head.  
  
Overhead, Kima flew over watching the entire scene below her. She giggled when Ranma fell on his head. She landed next to koi pond. Nodoka was watching the entire scene as well and trying to restrain her laughter at the site.  
  
  
  
Later...  
  
"You need more concentration to pull this off, Ranma" Ranma grunted at Herb's Advise. Kasumi was just finishing wrapping Ranma's head with bandages from the first-aid kit.  
  
"I was wonderin' how are you guys related to Mom?"  
  
"My older brother Drake married that idiot's older sister, Spice" Pointed to Saffron.  
  
"Who are you calling an idiot, lizard man?!" Flames began to dance around Saffron's small form.  
  
"You! Birdy!"  
  
Tension in to room rose to extremely high danger levels, suddenly something came that easily defused the situation.  
  
"No fighting please" Kasumi walked by, carrying laundry, smiling sweetly at everyone in the room.  
  
Both extinguished their auras and sat down quietly. Ranma slapped his forehead and groaned. Trust Kasumi to break down any tension that was in the area. Both of his worst enemies hate each other's guts not only that they were family. Suddenly a thought came to him.  
  
"Umm... Where is Grandpa and Grandma now?"  
  
Both Herb and Saffron looked at each other.  
  
"The last I heard of them, they were in America" Herb stated. "Their pretending to be humans in a college"  
  
"Oh" Ranma pondered this for a few minutes. "Wait, I'm part Phoenix shouldn't me and mom have wings?"  
  
Both Herb and Saffron blinked, that was an interesting question, coming from Ranma that is.  
  
"I don't know. Why don't we ask Nodoka" Saffron snorted at Herb's suggestion.  
  
"That's easy. We have spells that hide our bird-like qualities"  
  
"Really?" This caught Ranma's interest.  
  
"Yeah, ask your mother to take it off of you"  
  
  
  
Later...  
  
"Are you sure of this Ranma?" Ranma nodded to his mother.  
  
"Yeah I wanna see what flyin with wings are like"  
  
"Alright then" Nodoka sighed. Sometimes Ranma can be too enthusiastic. She began to chant several words quietly. Suddenly there was a loud sound of something being torn.  
  
"Aw man! This was my favorite shirt" Two large white wings had sprouted from Ranma's back, however they ripped apart Ranma's shirt in the process. Ranma toward the wall where a mirror was conveniently nearby. Ranma noticed that he had several streaks of white and grey hair which probably came from Herb's side of the family. Eighteen years old and I already have grey hairs Ranma chuckled at his private comment. As he looked closer he saw that the tips of his feathers were red. A crash was suddenly heard behind him.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi stood there rigid. To her point of view she was seeing an angel in the living room. Correction, a bare chest, angel standing the living room. It took her a moment to recognize him.  
  
"Ranma?" Kasumi managed to speak out.  
  
"Uh... I can explain this Kasumi" Ranma scratched the base of his pigtail. He then noticed the smashed plate on the floor and the rag in her hand. She was obviously washing the dishes when she heard the shirt getting torn and went to investigate.  
  
"Kasumi! When din...ner?" Soun's jaw dropped at Ranma. He rubbed his eyes then looked at him again. Then he came to one conclusion. He REALLY needed to get a drink. This was starting to get too weird, even to him. He went and got his bottle of sake, took one swing, then left the living room without a word, carrying the bottle with him.  
"Hey mom how did Grandpa and Grandma meet?" Ranma asked curiously.  
"Oh they actually tried to kill each other first." She smiled sweetly.  
"What?"  
"Don't worry dear I met your father the same way"  
"Huh!?"  
"I caught him in the women locker room when I was at High school help that perverted sensei of his" Nodoka smiled. "I chased them with the family katana and fought your father"  
"This family is starting to scare even me" Ranma muttered to himself. "At least I know why Pop was so serious on the manliness contract.  
  
Author's notes  
  
Okay, I admit it this is one of my strangest fic I ever made. Hope you enjoyed it! 


End file.
